


I Wish I Was The Moon Tonight

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-14
Updated: 2012-12-14
Packaged: 2017-11-21 02:16:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/592331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But he's not enough. Louis is bright and brilliant and Harry is just Harry and it's just official now, the not being enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish I Was The Moon Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a fun sexy Harry/Nick thing that turned into a monster of angsty hurt. It's pretty much unedited and full of rambly run-on sentences and nothing like my normal writing style, but it was one of those things that just took on a mind of its own. Title taken from I Wish I Was The Moon by Neko Case, which I highly recommend listening to if you want to cry a whole bunch reading this.

Harry really likes Nick. There's something about the way Nick looks at him and talks about him to other people like he can't wait to show him off that makes his stomach go fluttery. He feels important, like he matters, like he's wanted. He also makes him feel like a bit of an idiot, but like an idiot he's very, very fond of. Nick makes him feel like something special, even when he's teasing him about being A Very Important Popstar Person. 

 

Harry loves Louis and has loved Louis since he was sixteen. But sometimes he thinks Louis still sees him as a sixteen year old, with fluffy short curls and a round face and slim awkward limbs and a roll of baby fat around his belly, all wide eyes and cheeky naiveté. Harry's not that person anymore, doesn't feel like he has been that person for a long time now. 

 

Nick can't stop looking at him and Louis barely looks at him at all anymore and Harry loves Louis and he knows, or he thinks, or he's pretty sure Louis loves him too, still, but he's tired of not feeling it. The pressure to stay separated, how uncomfortable Louis is with the scrutiny, how scared they both are of the consequences, all of it has bled into their relationship in a way they never thought it could. But it's impossible to get away from, even when they're not on tour. Louis is increasingly distant and spends more and more time away from London, can't seem to stay in the flat for more than a night every week or so. And he still lays perfunctory kisses on Harry's forehead every time he leaves, but it's not enough, and Harry can see Louis knows it's not by the way he can't look him in the eye anymore. 

 

Harry loves Louis but he's sick of needing so much and getting so little. So Harry spends more and more time with Nick and Nick's impossibly cool friends. They're the kind of people he'd have been intimidated by in high school, just because they're not only effortlessly hip and cool, but nice and so funny it hurts and they have opinions about Important Things. It's less play fights in the bus and silly voices and cuddles and more expensive beer and nights out at exclusive clubs and witty jokes and nice clothes. And Harry likes it. These cool people somehow think he's also cool and every time he manages to make them laugh he feels like his face is going to split in half with the force of his grin and there's a tight bubbly feeling in his chest and it feels like the exact opposite of every time he's alone in an empty apartment without his boyfriend. 

 

And the thing is, he still feels mostly like this is just a rough patch. He loves Louis and he wants Louis to still love him. He wants to have all kinds of sappy things and a life spent together, and grandkids and everything and he wants all of those things with Louis. But he's starting to feel like maybe he should prepare himself for a time when Louis decides he doesn't want it with Harry any more. That maybe he wants it with someone whose relationship is less complicated, less like a mine field, less tied in with career and success and expectation. But he really hopes he doesn't have to. This is just a rough patch.

 

And then one morning they're doing a twitcam and a fan asks Louis to hug Harry and Louis barely even touches him and it hits him how big this has gotten. This is Louis not even letting himself hug Harry in front of people. This is Louis feeling so uncomfortable with him and them and the fans' constant pressure on them to be more, or less, or whatever, that he's not even acting like himself anymore, and a switch flips in Harry's brain and he realizes they've lost. Louis has stopped fighting for them and just like that, they've lost. Louis looks at him after the twitcam is over and they both know. Louis looks guilty and sad and tired and Harry looks angry and hurt and tired. They're so, so tired. 

 

Louis pulls him into a bathroom and says he's sorry, he can't, they can't, it's too much everything and he needs some time, a break, whatever. Harry's not exactly sure of the wording, it feels like he's listening from underwater as he's staring at the grout between the tiles on the floor. And it's not a surprise, but he'd hoped he was wrong and they would be enough, he would be enough to pull them through. But he's not enough. Louis is bright and brilliant and Harry is just Harry and it's just official now, the not being enough. So he swallows, tries to speak, can't get anything past the tightness in his throat, and just nods and leaves. Louis doesn't follow him.

 

He gets into his car and he goes to Nick's house and gets drunk and doesn't tell him what's wrong, just asks if it's okay if he stays the night. Nick looks concerned but also like he knows exactly what happened and maybe he does. Maybe it's written all over his face. Maybe he saw the twitcam. Maybe he's seen this coming too. Harry's never explicitly told Nick that he and Louis were anything more than friends. It was part of their agreement, he and Louis. The only people that knew were the boys and their families. But he knows Nick knows, even if it's never been stated. 

 

And here's the thing. Nick is out. He's already out. He can hold hands with a boy in the street or kiss a boy in a club and be papped doing it and won't be a scandal. Harry'd never been fussed about labeling his sexuality, he never thought it mattered, really. And then he met Louis and became part of this little unit and all of a sudden his laissez-faire attitude wasn't going to cut it because oh they're famous and oh they're not afforded that luxury anymore. 

 

And Louis doesn't want to be out, and even if he did they couldn't be, not now. Not when they're about to release their second album. Not when the futures of three best friends ride on their shoulders. And Harry doesn't begrudge Louis this. He doesn't. But he thinks about what it would be like to be in a relationship where he doesn't have to hide. And he thinks he finally understands why what they had was never enough for Louis. 

 

He wakes up on the couch in Nick's flat with a headache and a bad taste in his mouth and an ache in the pit of his stomach that has little to do with his hangover. Nick is dressed and smells nice and gives him a pitying look, a bloody mary, and a stack of pancakes— " _Did you make these?_ " " _Don't be ridiculous, they're takeaway from that one place_ "— Harry takes a shower and borrows Nick's clothes and for the first time in so long he doesn't smell like Louis or home or even himself. He feels a little bit lost and empty, but mostly he feels free. 

 

It's been a week and he hasn't left Nick's side except to use the bathroom and shower. Nick still hasn't asked what happened, and Harry is grateful. This isn't one of those break ups that blindsides you and leaves you reeling and you need someone to help you analyze what happened because you don't understand  _why_  it happened in the first place. Harry knows why. He doesn't need someone to parse it out for him or to tell him he'll find someone new in no time. He needs someone to take him out for a drink and make him laugh so hard his belly hurts and help him forget about the large, Louis-shaped bruise pressed into his heart. Nick makes him feel good, and wanted, and special. And it's not the same kind of explosive, huge, epic love-of-your-life kind of feeling that Louis gave him even at their worst times, but it's nice and it's enough right now. 

 

And one night they're out at a bar and Nick looks so good; his hair is a mess and he's making Harry laugh constantly and they're dancing and the alcohol is buzzing in Harry's head and so he kisses Nick on the dance floor. Nick gives him a look that's something like  _are you sure you're ready are you sure you want me are you sure are you sure_ and also a little like _you're so young what am i getting myself into_ and also _you're an idiot_ and definitely a little of _fuck you're fit._

 

Harry doesn't really know what he's doing. He wants louis still, always, he's sure that's never going away. But Louis doesn't want him and doesn't see him as he is, just as he used to be. And Nick's lopsided grin does things to his stomach and he likes feeling like he's something to be proud of and not something to hide away in private and he definitely, definitely likes Nick and liked kissing Nick and thinks he'd probably also like doing other things with Nick like blow jobs and holding hands and wearing matching shoes. 

 

So he leans in and kisses him again, and Nick goes with it. They leave the bar and go back to Nick's flat and when Nick takes his time opening Harry up before slowly rocking into him, it's the first time in weeks that he doesn't think of Louis at all. 

 

The first time Harry sees Louis after they break up is about a week after Harry and Nick became  _harryandnick_. It's for some promotional thing for their new album and it's predictably awkward and leaves Harry aching to get on his knees and plead to Louis to take him back and leave tiny kisses all over his skin and make impossible promises to give him anything he wants if he'll please just please take him back. 

 

But he doesn't. 

 

Instead he sticks close to Niall who rubs comforting little circles into the small of his back and smudges his head into the crook of Harry's neck in between takes and Harry doesn't say much that isn't lines read from a teleprompter. 

 

He's trying not to look at Louis because he looks so good and that hurts because Harry knows he doesn't look good. He looks tired and he needs a haircut and his clothes don't hang right anymore. Louis looks like nothing has changed at all and it almost kills him, but then. Harry's wearing one of Nick's jackets and he sees Louis eyeing it like he wishes he could rip it off him and something ugly that feels like triumph settles in the pit of Harry's stomach and he hugs the jacket closer and goes to find Zayn. 

 

Later when he steps back into Nick's flat he feels lighter and heavier at once. He finds Nick taking a nap in bed and curls up into his side, nosing into a spot behind his ear and breathing in the smell of cloves and boy and cologne that is not the same as Louis' and he cries, for the first time since everything happened. 

 

Nick wakes up to small broken sobs being muffled against his neck and he knows why, of course he does. He wraps his arms around Harry's back and settles him closer to his side and murmurs quiet " _Shh, love_ "s and " _Y_ _ou're all right_ "s and " _I_ _'ve got you_ "s into his curls and eventually Harry stops and his breathing slows and he sits up. He looks at Nick with glassy eyes and his lids feel heavy and his lip trembles as he says "I'm sorry" and "Do you mind if we go for a smoke?" so Nick gets out of bed and takes Harry's hand and grabs his cigarettes from the bedside table and they go out onto Nick's small balcony and sit. Harry takes a cigarette and puts it between lips that are red and puffy and probably a little snotty too. He lights it and takes a deep, deep breath. He feels dizzy and light and ready to talk. 

 

"I saw him today." And Nick feels something twist inside him— _you knew, you knew, why are you even surprised, you knew what you were getting into—_ but he pushes it down and waits for Harry to continue. 

 

"I didn't know how to feel. Like, I love him still. And I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I know you probably really don't want to hear this but you deserve to know what's going on." He pauses, takes a few drags, looks like he's trying to fit all the words he knows into one sentence and can't. "It's just. Louis is the biggest thing that's ever happened to me. Like obviously the band and being famous and this new life is huge, but it's still all tied up with Louis, you know? But it was complicated and it always felt like we were fighting to stay together against all of these obstacles and trying to keep it a secret and it was okay, for a while. But it just got harder, all the time. Every day it got worse and then I think he just gave up." Harry's voice cracks on the last word and he takes a deep, ragged breath. 

 

He looks over to Nick, says "But things with you are so different. I really like you, I do. And I think I'd be a much bigger wreck if I didn't have you, even before it was over with him. You make me feel like everything can be easy, like it's all going to be fine. And you make me laugh so hard. And I've always cared too much about what people think, but you make me feel like I don't have to. Like I can just be myself and be with whoever I want and it's okay. I like that feeling, and I want to keep it. I'm not being fair to you, I know. Because it's still. There's still Louis, he's still…I don't know. I don't know when that will change or if it will ever change. But I want this to work, I really want to try." 

 

Harry looks broken and sad and torn but he looks hopeful, too. And he's looking at Nick like he has all the answers and it breaks Nick's heart a little. Harry is beautiful and sweet and honest and so, so young. Nick likes him so much. Too much. He thinks maybe he knows where this is going and he knows it's going to end with Harry growing up and out and away from him, but Nick decides he'd rather keep him while he can, still can't quite believe he gets to have him at all, really. And it's enough. And he's older and maybe not so much wiser, but he can be Harry's for as long as Harry wants him and when it's over, he won't regret it. Harry's waiting for him to speak.

 

"So we'll try then."

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at my livejournal [here](http://its-a-deal.livejournal.com/97040.html)


End file.
